She's Out of My League and the scientific Twysics method

Twitter is a lot like dating. You're first judged by your looks, you're presented with a hundred relationship opportunities at once, and finally, you pick out the ones you like and date (read: follow) them.

There is a science to dating (read: following) people. Learn the science and unlock the key to the status quo. This science was recently described best in the sometimes profane and sporadically comical, "She's Out of my League." The film presents a foolproof system of calculating a person's romantic potential.  It begins with a simple one to 10 rating system, with 10 being the best , the top of the dating food chain, and one the worst.  

From that initial number, you can apply exemptions, add-ons and deductions.  If you drive a shit box, deduct a point. Similarly, you can get a "point bump" for being in a band or doing a little manscaping.  According to the movie however, you can only date within a two point range of your own number. 

Applied to Twysics*, this dating science can be extremely applicable to how we follow/unfollow on Twitter. Everyone starts out with a 10, and then apply exemptions and deductions to find out their real number. And of course, don't follow outside of your league (the two point jump). First, a self evaluation:

@BridgetForney

* Tweets about clients not everyone gives a shit about = deduct a point

* Has a reasonable following = point bump

* Sometimes disappears from Twitter with no notice = deduct a point

* Posts Foursquare check-ins to Twitter = deduct a point

* On 72 lists = point bump

* Frequently uses Twitter for shameless self promotion = deduct a point

* Full of pithy commentary = point bump

* Cool profile pic = point bump

* Knows shit about math and science = deduct a point

* May name drop occasionally = deduct a point

* Witty bio = point bump

Right now, I'm at a pretty solid nine. Below I've taken the liberty of rating a few of my fellow tweeters. It's nothing personal. This is all in the name of science. Twysics at its best.

@BmoreBrian

* Fuzzy profile pic = deduct a point

* Dissimilar interests = deduct a point

* Healthy Following to Follower ratio = point bump

* Met in real life = point bump

* No blog, or website reference of any kind in bio = deduct a point

* Not on many lists = deduct a point

* Posts Foursquare check-ins to Twitter = deduct a point

* Baltimore local = point bump

* Watches Dancing With The Stars = deduct a point

* Lack of humor in the bio = deduct a point

* Memorable Twitter handle = point bump

We're follow friends on Twitter. On a side note: who eats sushi like a sumo wrestler? This guy. (Placed 4th in a sushi-eating contest.)

@JamieVaron

* "Inspirational" bio that really tells you nothing about the person = deduct a point

* Unhealthy Following to Follower ratio = deduct a point

* You have a better chance of dying in an airplane than getting a follow back = deduct a point

* Has a friggin' sweet ass blog = point bump

* Twitter background matches sweet ass blog = point bump

* Misleading "innocent" photo = point bump

* Frequently talks about consuming alcohol = point bump
* Sporadic tweeter = deduct a point

* Full of pithy commentary = point bump

Jamie is what Stainer, the ultimate arbiter of the rating system who explains the complex algorithms that form its basis, would call, "a HARD 10." The top of the following food chain.


@MCasalena

* Protects his tweets = deduct a point
* Low follower rate = deduct a point
* Rarely retweets or @replies = deduct a point
* Web link goes to Facebook profile = deduct a point
* Semi-absent on Twitter = deduct a point
* Profile pic is a modeling photo = point bump
* Likely to cause Twitter drama = deduct a point
* Sometimes tweets in ALL CAPS = point bump
* Incomplete sentence in bio = deduct a point
* On only ONE list = deduct a point
* Friends in real life = point bump

@MCasalena is the Kirk to my Molly. Yes, he's out of my league with an even four point spread, but due to his unparalleled sense of humor and our real life friendship, we're quite perfect for each other.

@Ewisdomcom

* Random follow request = deduct a point
* Updates all about selling your business = deduct a point
* No person repping the account = deduct a point
* Spammy = deduct a point
* Links all go to business website = deduct a point
* Not a person I have anything in common with = deduct a point
* Thinks I'm just another number for their follower count = deduct a point
* "Name" in bio matches "Web" in bio = deduct a point

We're not friends. You're far out of my league. Don't send me a random follow request to pimp out your website. Kaythanks.

I think you guys get the picture. I tried to rate different kinds of Tweeps with different follower ratios, different profile pictures and thus, different number ratings.  The point is, everyone has a Follow Back Protocol. What's yours? How do you decide who to follow, who to unfollow and who to follow back?

Moreover, how do you rate?

*Twysics: The science of Twitter physics. (Yes, I made this word up.)

You might as well leave your door unlocked, and three other reasons you're a fool to check in at home on Foursquare

Ah, Foursquare, you bring out my most competitive nature while providing me with yet another reason to whip out my cell phone in times of awkward silences. I am currently the mayor of two places, with 23 total nights out and seven badges. As I think this clearly demonstrates, I'm not a compulsive user.  I've checked in a total of 74 times to clubs, restaurants, bars, theaters and even my favorite department stores. But I draw the line at my front door step.

Don't get me wrong, I love checking in as much as the next bloke, but if you check in at home you might as well leave the door to your house unlocked.  I get the benefits; you check in at home and you're pretty much guaranteed mayorship, you can gain points on a daily basis and it can help unlock badges. I get it. But here are three reasons you're a fool to check in at home on Foursquare...

1. I mean come on, when it comes right down to it, you're really just cheating. Treachery. How the hell do you sleep at night?

2. Based on your check-ins at other places, you've promptly indicated that you are not at home. Sounds like an opportune time for a robbing, if I do say so myself. Hope that new badge was worth your 32" Plasma TV.

3. I am going to check in at your house on Foursquare. If it doesn't freak you out when I become the mayor of your private residence, maybe you deserve to be robbed.

Self-checkout for dummies

The average person's grocery shopping experience is determined by how smoothly they get through the checkout line. Most of the time, unfortunately, they're an absolute nightmare. Sure, the gripping cover stories of juicy gossip magazines are mildly entertaining for standing around in the 15-item express lane, but no amount of fabricated tabloids can keep you patient enough to tolerate an anxious middle-aged soccer mom with four screaming kids and a slow-moving elderly woman on a motorized roll cart in front of you, each with $200 worth of groceries.  Sadly, the alternative isn't much better.

First developed circa 1990's, self-checkout lanes were introduced to give the illusion that a four-cash register self-checkout station somehow turns out shoppers faster than a 16-year old cashier managing a single file line.  Psychologically, it makes sense...waiting for four registers should be quicker than waiting for one. In reality however, it never is. Mostly because people are idiots.

Exhibit A: Stupid people with loose vegetables or pay-per-pound items.

Everyone knows that self-checkout stations are not vegetable-friendly. The general rule of thumb should be that if it doesn't have a bar code, toss it or get the hell out of the self-checkout area. The ten people behind you are probably not in the mood to watch you fumble around fingering the touch screen in an attempt to weigh your produce.

Exhibit B: Idiots with more than ten items.

Let's be honest.  If you've got $150 worth of Weight Watchers TV dinners and  stacks of Greek yogurt, you're kidding yourself if you think you can scan it all faster than a cashier.  Furthermore you're just holding up the 25 people behind you who, all of a sudden, wish they had stopped by the toy aisle and picked up a baseball bat to beat you with.

Exhibit C: Miscellaneous morons.

• If you're trying to write a check at the self-checkout kiosk, save us all the time and get a debit card. 
• For the love of God, if your cell phone rings, keep your eyes on the prize and do not answer it.
• There is one line for all the machines; find it. Respect it.
• The bar code is somewhere else! Turn it around, flip it over, try something different!

You can sigh heavily, roll your eyes, shift your weight from left to right or even tap your foot, but it won't make these ignorant people get any smarter or move any quicker.  Some people regularly assault the self-checkout line and sadly, there is just nothing you can do about it. 

Who would win in a race between four self-checkout kiosks and one cashier? We may never know.

Everything I know about life I learned from That 70's Show

A show set in the time of Farah Fawcett posters, eight-track tapes and bell bottoms, That 70's Show cast had more to teach us about life than historic socio-politics. It was a sad day in television history when That 70's Show went off air. Since then, the show has been syndicated and blesses the real estate of my TV screen every day after work. My daily dose of Steven Hyde, Red Forman and of course the regular "foot-in-ass" jokes have taught me some valuable gems of knowledge about life. Here, those pearls of wisdom unfold...

You're only as good as your gang.

You might be best friends with a whiny brat or have a foreigner living with you. Maybe your best friend is the idiotic chick magnet. Whatever the case, everyone has a group of friends they can count on. If you can't count on them for moral support, at least you can count on their lives being more screwed up, and therefore more entertaining, than yours.  Let me teach you the finer art of misdirection, formerly presented by Siegfried and Roy.  Also exemplified in episode #52, Reefer Madness, Hyde is caught with a stash. The treachery blindsides Red and consequently leads Eric to engage in a free-for-all of bad behavior which ultimately goes absolutely unnoticed. I think the lesson here is clear: make a friend who smokes.

Dad can always put a big ole' foot in your ass.

"You know what's hot? My foot in your ass.

"There's gonna be a spider the size of my foot up your ass if you don't get under there right now."

"You're on the road to having my foot in your ass."

"I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot."

"Sure, then I'll light my foot off in your ass."

Of course Red Forman is famous for his legendary "foot-in-ass" jokes, but the old adage still stays true today. If you're ever veering off your intended life path close to a point of no return or reckless abandonment, you can count on your good old dad to be the first to let you know....probably with a foot-in-ass joke. Note: the most creative uses of said foot-in-ass phrases are deemed point-worthy.

When you need help, consult The Circle.

I think it's no secret that many of life's greatest ideas come from times of most blissful inebriation. Book ideas, ground-breaking pilates exercises, baby names...Those able to actually retain memory of these rare flashes of genius are truly gifted individuals. Nevertheless, there is nothing like a quick brainstorming session with a group of bombed friends to, at least temporarily, resolve all of your life's quandaries. Rough day at the office? After your third glass of wine, you and a buddy should at least have a mental venn diagram completed offering solutions of some kind, even if only fictitious. Get those ideas written on a bar napkin, and you've hit gold.

We're all just takin' a ride in the Vista Cruiser.

Ah, who can forget Eric's aztec gold 1969 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser? That station wagon's single piece skylight alone is enough to motivate a trip down memory lane. Each cast member took a turn sliding across the vinyl bench seats at one point or another throughout the 70's and before they all knew it, the decade was over. I can't help but wonder, what will be the "mighty Olds" of the 21st century?

*Stay tuned for the next installment of this series, Everything I know about life I learned from Steven Hyde.