Self-checkout for dummies

The average person's grocery shopping experience is determined by how smoothly they get through the checkout line. Most of the time, unfortunately, they're an absolute nightmare. Sure, the gripping cover stories of juicy gossip magazines are mildly entertaining for standing around in the 15-item express lane, but no amount of fabricated tabloids can keep you patient enough to tolerate an anxious middle-aged soccer mom with four screaming kids and a slow-moving elderly woman on a motorized roll cart in front of you, each with $200 worth of groceries.  Sadly, the alternative isn't much better.

First developed circa 1990's, self-checkout lanes were introduced to give the illusion that a four-cash register self-checkout station somehow turns out shoppers faster than a 16-year old cashier managing a single file line.  Psychologically, it makes sense...waiting for four registers should be quicker than waiting for one. In reality however, it never is. Mostly because people are idiots.

Exhibit A: Stupid people with loose vegetables or pay-per-pound items.

Everyone knows that self-checkout stations are not vegetable-friendly. The general rule of thumb should be that if it doesn't have a bar code, toss it or get the hell out of the self-checkout area. The ten people behind you are probably not in the mood to watch you fumble around fingering the touch screen in an attempt to weigh your produce.

Exhibit B: Idiots with more than ten items.

Let's be honest.  If you've got $150 worth of Weight Watchers TV dinners and  stacks of Greek yogurt, you're kidding yourself if you think you can scan it all faster than a cashier.  Furthermore you're just holding up the 25 people behind you who, all of a sudden, wish they had stopped by the toy aisle and picked up a baseball bat to beat you with.

Exhibit C: Miscellaneous morons.

• If you're trying to write a check at the self-checkout kiosk, save us all the time and get a debit card. 
• For the love of God, if your cell phone rings, keep your eyes on the prize and do not answer it.
• There is one line for all the machines; find it. Respect it.
• The bar code is somewhere else! Turn it around, flip it over, try something different!

You can sigh heavily, roll your eyes, shift your weight from left to right or even tap your foot, but it won't make these ignorant people get any smarter or move any quicker.  Some people regularly assault the self-checkout line and sadly, there is just nothing you can do about it. 

Who would win in a race between four self-checkout kiosks and one cashier? We may never know.