Everything I know about life I learned from That 70's Show

A show set in the time of Farah Fawcett posters, eight-track tapes and bell bottoms, That 70's Show cast had more to teach us about life than historic socio-politics. It was a sad day in television history when That 70's Show went off air. Since then, the show has been syndicated and blesses the real estate of my TV screen every day after work. My daily dose of Steven Hyde, Red Forman and of course the regular "foot-in-ass" jokes have taught me some valuable gems of knowledge about life. Here, those pearls of wisdom unfold...

You're only as good as your gang.

You might be best friends with a whiny brat or have a foreigner living with you. Maybe your best friend is the idiotic chick magnet. Whatever the case, everyone has a group of friends they can count on. If you can't count on them for moral support, at least you can count on their lives being more screwed up, and therefore more entertaining, than yours.  Let me teach you the finer art of misdirection, formerly presented by Siegfried and Roy.  Also exemplified in episode #52, Reefer Madness, Hyde is caught with a stash. The treachery blindsides Red and consequently leads Eric to engage in a free-for-all of bad behavior which ultimately goes absolutely unnoticed. I think the lesson here is clear: make a friend who smokes.

Dad can always put a big ole' foot in your ass.

"You know what's hot? My foot in your ass.

"There's gonna be a spider the size of my foot up your ass if you don't get under there right now."

"You're on the road to having my foot in your ass."

"I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot."

"Sure, then I'll light my foot off in your ass."

Of course Red Forman is famous for his legendary "foot-in-ass" jokes, but the old adage still stays true today. If you're ever veering off your intended life path close to a point of no return or reckless abandonment, you can count on your good old dad to be the first to let you know....probably with a foot-in-ass joke. Note: the most creative uses of said foot-in-ass phrases are deemed point-worthy.

When you need help, consult The Circle.

I think it's no secret that many of life's greatest ideas come from times of most blissful inebriation. Book ideas, ground-breaking pilates exercises, baby names...Those able to actually retain memory of these rare flashes of genius are truly gifted individuals. Nevertheless, there is nothing like a quick brainstorming session with a group of bombed friends to, at least temporarily, resolve all of your life's quandaries. Rough day at the office? After your third glass of wine, you and a buddy should at least have a mental venn diagram completed offering solutions of some kind, even if only fictitious. Get those ideas written on a bar napkin, and you've hit gold.

We're all just takin' a ride in the Vista Cruiser.

Ah, who can forget Eric's aztec gold 1969 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser? That station wagon's single piece skylight alone is enough to motivate a trip down memory lane. Each cast member took a turn sliding across the vinyl bench seats at one point or another throughout the 70's and before they all knew it, the decade was over. I can't help but wonder, what will be the "mighty Olds" of the 21st century?

*Stay tuned for the next installment of this series, Everything I know about life I learned from Steven Hyde.