I know what's wrong with Esther.

I have never been one for horror stories with kids in them. I mean yeah, Sixth Sense was alright - but otherwise, I generally stay away. Just because I stay away though, doesn't mean that curiosity doesn't kill me enough to look up the spoilers online. The way I see it, they post the spoiler so you don't HAVE to go torture yourself through a suspenseful, psychotic, bloody horror flick. The Orphan, for example, is one such film.

For those of you like me who don't need to watch the movie - you just want to know the TRUTH about Esther, here is the SPOILER:
Apparently, she is not a orphan at all. I know, SHOCKER, right? Apparently, she's not even a child. She's actually a 30-something year old crazy case who was born with "proportional dwarfism" which makes her look child-like. Here is the sick part: she is a former prostitute who had pedophiles for clients (does this really happen?). I'm told there is even a point in the film when she comes on to her adopted father. Lastly, it is said that she wears something around her neck to hide her straitjacket-burn (an indication of when she was in an insane asylum and struggled so much in the jacket it left her neck mutilated with scars).

SO, for those who were sleeping restlessly at night because you were so anxious to know what was wrong with Esther, now you know. She wasn't a ghost the whole time, she's not even the devil, just a straight up case.

I can attest first hand to the fact that there is nothing scarier, not even ghosts or demons, than a 100% human real-life NUT JOB. If anything, Esther has taught us one very important lesson here. You can stake a vampire. You can vanquish a demon. But you can't kill a crazy person. Plus, the crazy cases always seem to have like, nine lives. Just when you think they're gone...they're not. No doubt there'll be a few sequels to look forward to: The Orphan, RETURNED; The Orphan, Night of TERROR; The Orphan, Strikes BACK; The Orphan, REBORN; The Orphan, UNLEASHED; The Orphan, Revenge of the Needy Child; and last but not least, the box office hit - The Orphan, Rise of the Nut-Bat.

You never really see the last of a crazy.

Sweet dreams this weekend,
Bridget Marie

(Some of the made up Orphan sequel titles listed in this post are for entertainment purposes only and are credited to my good friend and counterpart soulmate, Mike Casalena. I encourage you to view more of his work at system.squarespace.com.)