My life as a doctor

When I get sick, Google can usually diagnose my illness 4 out of 5 times. If the Internet doesn’t give me a definite answer on what is wrong, I’m most likely to adopt the latest ailment featured on House. Yes. I’m one of those people. Still, “hypochondriac” is such a harsh word, and nobody likes to be labeled…especially hypochondriacs. I digress.

A few big “scares” from throughout the years stand out in my mind that I insisted, at the time, I was infected with. Bird flu, Mad Cow disease, West Nile, SARS…at some point, I was convinced I had symptoms for each that were slowly, but surely, killing me.

It gets even worse when I act (and diagnose) on behalf of my two small dogs. Moses has an itch? It’s probably scabies. Merlot threw up? The poor thing’s been poisoned! Okay, maybe both of those diagnoses are a little dramatic (even though I actually made both of them in real life). Do I have any professional medical experience, you ask? Pish, posh. I speak (and diagnose) from LIFE experience.

I may be a little focused on what I could catch and what could happen, but contrary to popular belief, I’m no pill popper(*). I diagnose. I don’t prescribe. I may think I’m dying here and there once in a while, but I stick to the one revolutionary medical solution that works…Tylenol. I’m like Gus Portokalos, in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. If I have an ailment of some kind, I just spray Windex on it until it heals. My Windex, however, is Tylenol.
Got a headache? Pop a Tylenol. Cramps? Tylenol. Acne? Tylenol. It’s the universal cure. The trick is to vary the dose in regards to how serious the ailment. For a migraine, I’ve been known to take up to five 200mg Tylenols. However, waking up with a neck-crick only warrants one. The bottle says not to exceed six in 24 hours. I try to stick to that advice, but really it’s just the manufacturer’s opinion of quality from a dosage. Well, quantity over quality, I always say.

Looking back, I’m just glad I took enough Tylenol to survive the years of infections and illnesses. I do, however, think I may have to call out of work soon due to a bad case of Swine Flu.

…Another good thing about Tylenol: you don’t need a prescription.

Doctor Bridget signing out.

(*) Over the counter medications don’t count.
If you'd like to view this blog post in it's entirety, please click HERE!