Self-checkout for dummies

The average person's grocery shopping experience is determined by how smoothly they get through the checkout line. Most of the time, unfortunately, they're an absolute nightmare. Sure, the gripping cover stories of juicy gossip magazines are mildly entertaining for standing around in the 15-item express lane, but no amount of fabricated tabloids can keep you patient enough to tolerate an anxious middle-aged soccer mom with four screaming kids and a slow-moving elderly woman on a motorized roll cart in front of you, each with $200 worth of groceries.  Sadly, the alternative isn't much better.

First developed circa 1990's, self-checkout lanes were introduced to give the illusion that a four-cash register self-checkout station somehow turns out shoppers faster than a 16-year old cashier managing a single file line.  Psychologically, it makes sense...waiting for four registers should be quicker than waiting for one. In reality however, it never is. Mostly because people are idiots.

Exhibit A: Stupid people with loose vegetables or pay-per-pound items.

Everyone knows that self-checkout stations are not vegetable-friendly. The general rule of thumb should be that if it doesn't have a bar code, toss it or get the hell out of the self-checkout area. The ten people behind you are probably not in the mood to watch you fumble around fingering the touch screen in an attempt to weigh your produce.

Exhibit B: Idiots with more than ten items.

Let's be honest.  If you've got $150 worth of Weight Watchers TV dinners and  stacks of Greek yogurt, you're kidding yourself if you think you can scan it all faster than a cashier.  Furthermore you're just holding up the 25 people behind you who, all of a sudden, wish they had stopped by the toy aisle and picked up a baseball bat to beat you with.

Exhibit C: Miscellaneous morons.

• If you're trying to write a check at the self-checkout kiosk, save us all the time and get a debit card. 
• For the love of God, if your cell phone rings, keep your eyes on the prize and do not answer it.
• There is one line for all the machines; find it. Respect it.
• The bar code is somewhere else! Turn it around, flip it over, try something different!

You can sigh heavily, roll your eyes, shift your weight from left to right or even tap your foot, but it won't make these ignorant people get any smarter or move any quicker.  Some people regularly assault the self-checkout line and sadly, there is just nothing you can do about it. 

Who would win in a race between four self-checkout kiosks and one cashier? We may never know.

Everything I know about life I learned from That 70's Show

A show set in the time of Farah Fawcett posters, eight-track tapes and bell bottoms, That 70's Show cast had more to teach us about life than historic socio-politics. It was a sad day in television history when That 70's Show went off air. Since then, the show has been syndicated and blesses the real estate of my TV screen every day after work. My daily dose of Steven Hyde, Red Forman and of course the regular "foot-in-ass" jokes have taught me some valuable gems of knowledge about life. Here, those pearls of wisdom unfold...

You're only as good as your gang.

You might be best friends with a whiny brat or have a foreigner living with you. Maybe your best friend is the idiotic chick magnet. Whatever the case, everyone has a group of friends they can count on. If you can't count on them for moral support, at least you can count on their lives being more screwed up, and therefore more entertaining, than yours.  Let me teach you the finer art of misdirection, formerly presented by Siegfried and Roy.  Also exemplified in episode #52, Reefer Madness, Hyde is caught with a stash. The treachery blindsides Red and consequently leads Eric to engage in a free-for-all of bad behavior which ultimately goes absolutely unnoticed. I think the lesson here is clear: make a friend who smokes.

Dad can always put a big ole' foot in your ass.

"You know what's hot? My foot in your ass.

"There's gonna be a spider the size of my foot up your ass if you don't get under there right now."

"You're on the road to having my foot in your ass."

"I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot."

"Sure, then I'll light my foot off in your ass."

Of course Red Forman is famous for his legendary "foot-in-ass" jokes, but the old adage still stays true today. If you're ever veering off your intended life path close to a point of no return or reckless abandonment, you can count on your good old dad to be the first to let you know....probably with a foot-in-ass joke. Note: the most creative uses of said foot-in-ass phrases are deemed point-worthy.

When you need help, consult The Circle.

I think it's no secret that many of life's greatest ideas come from times of most blissful inebriation. Book ideas, ground-breaking pilates exercises, baby names...Those able to actually retain memory of these rare flashes of genius are truly gifted individuals. Nevertheless, there is nothing like a quick brainstorming session with a group of bombed friends to, at least temporarily, resolve all of your life's quandaries. Rough day at the office? After your third glass of wine, you and a buddy should at least have a mental venn diagram completed offering solutions of some kind, even if only fictitious. Get those ideas written on a bar napkin, and you've hit gold.

We're all just takin' a ride in the Vista Cruiser.

Ah, who can forget Eric's aztec gold 1969 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser? That station wagon's single piece skylight alone is enough to motivate a trip down memory lane. Each cast member took a turn sliding across the vinyl bench seats at one point or another throughout the 70's and before they all knew it, the decade was over. I can't help but wonder, what will be the "mighty Olds" of the 21st century?

*Stay tuned for the next installment of this series, Everything I know about life I learned from Steven Hyde.

Let your Freak Flag fly

Every family has one. You know, the “crazy” relative. The one who is just a little offbeat. Maybe she has an alter ego. Maybe she uses her hand as a wind-up toy. Or perhaps she’s the president of a group who refer to themselves as “The Blockheads” for one reason or another. Sometimes this relative will give preferential treatment to cats. They march to a different drum and they’re often unpredictable.

Thanksgiving and Christmas bring a season when crazy relatives come out of hibernation and you can see them in their natural state. Some of you out there dread this time of year. Not only do I welcome it, I thoroughly enjoy it.

Yes. I, too, have a “crazy” relative. She’s creative and fun. Quirky and energized. She’s my Aunt Arlene. If I kept documentation of all the things I learned from this woman throughout my life, I’d need a file cabinet the size of Texas.

There are certain people in the family parents hope to God their kids don’t learn from, but I’m pretty sure I was mimicking my Aunt Arlene as soon as I met her. At an early age, my parents knew there was no avoiding it. I might as well have been a SPONGE absorbing her every move, thought and word.

To this day, Aunt Arlene is always teaching me something new: a money saving trick here, a recipe there. I never thought a woman twice my age would be giving me exercise advice, but sure enough, there was my Aunt Arlene on Thanksgiving day sprawled on the carpet teaching me how to do an abdominal crunch…the right way. Right along side her was my grandmother teaching me how to get a better butt…I won’t go into detail what those exercises entail. Let's just say it will be a good story to tell my future children.

This holiday season, many a crazy relative will surface. Try to embrace it and learn from the unique individuals who came by this honored title. You think it’s easy getting to be known as the “crazy” one. No. That takes hours of hard work: numerous peculiar facial expressions, several occurrences of spontaneous behavior and a lot of showing off your unusual every-day habits.

Every family has a nut case, and if you don’t think yours does, then it’s probably you! If you’re like me and aspire to be the “crazy” relative some day, here are a few tips I came up with to help you get there.

Pick your favorite color. And really stick with it. Dress monochromatically, if your wardrobe allows. This is a sure-fire way to stand out at family gatherings. This way, none of your crazy habits or behavior will go unnoticed. If you saw a woman dressed head to toe in violet purple doing the jitterbug, wouldn’t you look?

Start a collection. There’s really nothing like having a fanatical collection of inanimate objects to make your family think you’ve gone ape-shit. If done properly, family members will know right away from stepping into your home whatever it is you collect. Your collections should be displayed like trophies from floor to ceiling. You might already have a nice collection of coins, but to take that extra step towards “unique and slightly deranged” you’ll need to collect something a little more surprising. My mother is well on her way with ceramic roosters and chickens, for example.

Find your obscure talent. On your path to becoming “crazy”, you’ll need to be able to SHOCK AND AWE anyone you come into contact with at the drop of a hat. This could also be a great thing to use as a party trick, especially at family reunions and family gatherings around the holidays.

Adopt a nickname. And own it. Your family will always wonder where it came from. Maybe you call yourself…Shamrock. Let them ponder that over Christmas.

Very important. Be sure to sprinkle in a wild love affair every now and then………you know, for story telling purposes.

Let your Freak Flag fly,

Bridget Marie

10 Gifts from YOU to ME (Under $50.00)

1. Blistex ($.99): Because my lips are chapped and it is winter time. This is a great stocking stuffer. No need to say more.

2. Anne Taintor Note Mousepad ($9.99): It's a mousepad! It's a notepad! This multipurpose 50-page pad would bring a little comic relief to my desk at work. Ah, a combination of my two favorite things: vintage and sarcasm.

3. El Paso Quesadilla Maker ($19.29): Who doesn’t love a quesadilla? Perfect for those on-the-go dinners. The El Paso Quesadilla Maker lets you make your favorite quesadillas at home. Nonstick plates and a built-in drip reservoir makes cooking and cleaning easier. I’ll take mine with chicken and cheese, thanks. Guacamole and sour cream on the side, if you please.

4. Black Leather Lambskin Journal ($25.00): This journal has 160 blank heavy weight ivory pages and was made with black lambskin leather and marbled fabric on the inside cover. If you know me, you know I love to write. My blog takes care of scratching a lot of that itch, but there are some things you just can’t put on your blog for everyone to see. In times such as those, one needs a journal. Enter exhibit A: the black leather lambskin journal.

5. The Recycled Broken Plate Blue Bird Ring ($30.00): This ring is made from an actual recycled broken plate. Due to my love of birds and newfound obsession with Etsy.com, this made the list at only $30.00.

6. The Guest Room Shabby Chic Home Décor Sign ($39.95): From The Back Porch Shop on Etsy, this shabby chic sign has beautiful script lettering in aged black ink on a chipped ivory background. A perfect addition to our guest bedroom at home, another Etsy home-made creation made the list at just under $40.00. I always enjoy a sentimental gift that I can use to decorate my home with…any decorative item will do!

7. Super Mario Brothers for Wii ($45.00): We all remember Super Mario Bros. on the ancient Nintendo. Now, they’ve made this beautiful game for Wii!!

8. The Mustard Seed Bedside Shelf ($49.00): Another Etsy creation, this hand-made shelf will hold favorite books, keys, purse and wallet. At just under $50.00, the roof ridge will also keep my current book on the correct page!
   

9. Mario Kart for Wii with Wii Wheel ($49.99): Just imagine this: I’m sitting on the couch with a wheel in my hands driving through a Wii Race Course (I’m the Princess of course). I look to my left. There’s Becky with a wheel in her hands (She’s Mario). And Jay with a wheel in his hands (Luigi). And mom (Yoshi). And dad (Toad). We’re ALL playing Mario Kart on the Wii at the SAME TIME. Okay, back to reality. With a few more wheels and this game CD, that dream could be possible. I’ll let you sleep on that one.

10. SHARK Super Garment Steamer ($49.99): Excuse me, but who doesn’t need a garment steamer? Anyone? Yes, that’s what I thought. This would be particularly nice in my home due to the fact that I don’t own an iron.

I know that with only two and a half days before Christmas, this list might be a little overdue, but I know there are still many out there still shopping for their loved ones…like *cough*my fiancé*cough*.

At any rate, maybe this list will open your eyes to some new ideas for someone you’re still buying for. For example, shop in untraditional places, like Etsy or an antique shop…I guarantee you, they’ll be a lot less crowded than Target or Wal-Mart. Or maybe go for a traditional gift, like a journal or picture frame. Then again, there are always the wacky fun gifts, like the quesadilla maker. Or maybe give a sentimental gift: a sign for a house or homemade mailbox numbers.

Happy shopping!

Bridget Marie

www.NumbersNotInvited.com

To snow day, or not to snow day? That is the question.

If you’re an East-coaster, you’re probably bracing yourself for the massive dumping of snow that has already sent Baltimore City spiraling into a panicked frozen existence. The Baltimore Sun published its first article covering the storm early on Friday morning about nervous citizens scrounging for supplies in the calm before the storm. It wasn’t long after that a co-worker of mine planted a rumor in the office that supposedly grocers in the Annapolis area had run out of milk.

Sadly, even this unlikely-to-be-true rumor sent a chill down my spine. What? No milk? I channeled my inner Aunt Voula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “Whatchyou mean NO MEELK!?” I cannot live without my milk. Truly. Without milk, I’m like a motionless, dying Sim with depleted needs bars.

Milk…or no milk…the snow is coming. The Baltimore Ravens even decided to push back their 1:00 p.m. Sunday football game to a late 4:15. Why? It was rumored that over 700 staff, vendors, players and coaches were spending the night in the club level of M&T Bank Stadium on Saturday night to brave the snow and ensure their attendance for the Sunday game.

To sweeten the story, the National Weather Service issued a county-wide Blizzard Warning effective until Sunday morning. According to the Baltimore Weather Examiner, a Blizzard Warning is posted when conditions will be snowfall of 1 inch per hour or greater, along with 35 mph winds for at least 3 straight hours. With the city in a nervous bind, the Ravens game up in the air, county-wide milk shortages and a bonafide Blizzard on our hands, one has to wonder: how long will it be this way?

Fortunately for the modern-day technology of weather doppler radar, the City's four major television stations have already reported the end is in sight. With an expected stop time of 6:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, Baltimore will wait quietly for the season’s first winter storm to fizzle out and for life as we know it to return to normal. Realistically though, when is that going to be? Does it really only take 24 hours for a city to recover from 25 inches of snowfall? Will everything be back to normal on Monday morning?

My prediction: unlikely. According to local meteorologists, the cold weather is expected to persist well into next week with temperatures staying around 32 degrees, about 10 degrees below average for this time of year, and the winds will make it feel even chillier. Furthermore, weather.com has predicted a day full of rain showers on Christmas. Add that to the already cold weather and snow-covered streets, and we might have an ice issue on our hands.

With or without the rain, many Baltimoreans are wondering if they’ll have a snow day on Monday before Christmas. While it would be smart for businesses to surrender to a snow day, it might also be in everyone’s best interest in terms of safety. By encouraging employees to brave the dangerous highways, sloppy back roads and slippery sidewalks in order to make it to work, a business increases its liability beyond the snow day in question. If an employee or employer were to slip and fall, incurring an injury, or get in a car accident on the way to the office, the business is open to sustaining a loss of that employee for possibly a number of days, if not weeks for recovery. While they could have avoided such a loss by absorbing the physical and literal costs of a snow day, now they and their clients are at the whim of an injured employee’s recovery period.

While public schools routinely close on sloppy winter days (and dub the time "snow day"), absent a declaration of a state of emergency, private employers are free to determine their own policies for handling snow storms (and other hazardous weather conditions). A hazardous weather policy is an obvious smart business practice that should be considered by both public and private employers.

Some employers who need to maintain operations 24/7 (a hospital, hotel, etc) have the option to designate certain employees as "essential” meaning they must work no matter the conditions. Other employers might offer a telecommute half-day option. Ultimately, setting reasonable expectations, for example asking employees to call in if late, could be all that is necessary.

According to the Connecticut Employment Law Blog, Daniel Schwartz suggests considering some of the following questions when drafting a snow day policy:
What are the situations when an office will close?
How will employee receive notice that an office is closed? Is there a central number that they can call for information? Will an e-mail be sent out to home or blackberry e-mails?

If you are with a company who already has a snow day policy, don’t take advantage of your employer when a snow day is decided. You’re not twelve years old anymore and wasting the day building the perfect snow man isn’t going to cut it. Implement the same work ethic you use on a daily basis while at work, at home. Get done what work you can with the limited resources available to you. Check your email regularly and check in with your coworkers to combine efforts when possible.

It’s always nice to sit back, relax with a cup of hot chocolate and not have to commute, but remember that a snow day is not the same as a vacation day.

Enjoy the blizzard and have a productive Monday, in or out of the office!

Bridget Marie

For your information: (The last recorded blizzard in the Baltimore-Washington area was the President’s Day blizzard of 2003, and before that, a blizzard in 1996 that brought over 30 inches of snow.).

The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of Profiles, Inc.

Wedding Invitations

Blood, sweat and tears goes into making your own wedding invitations...

Paper for wedding invitations: $80.00
Printing cartridge for ink: $50.00
Clear labels for addresses: $15.00
Navy ribbon to wrap around paper: $5.00
Burning wax and Metal seal: $11.00
Fiancé getting a third degree burn from trying to do a hot wax seal on an envelope: PRICELESS

Expanding through horizons

The title makes me sound so ambitious.

Today, The Enterprise published a "Where are they now?" article featuring yours truly. The feature is meant to track down former local high school athletes and update readers on what they're doing and where they're working now.

I have my dad to thank for this flattering 500+ word article, as he recommended me to the journalist as a subject for the feature. We did the interview through email, per my request, so you'll see many of my quotes in the article.

My dad, who reads this publication early and often, says this feature is not normally this extensive - usually with just a small blurb about an alum along with their picture. Little did I know the reporter would include a good 50 inches of print space on me.


All in all, I'm proud of the article and thankful to the reporter, and of course - my dad! I'm not the volleyball player I used to be, but I think I gave present athletes some valuable advice.

In print,
Bridget Marie